she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Its about making memories worth repressing
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
