Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
