God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
