I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
