i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
