You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
