Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
