Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Houston, we have a squirter
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize