I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
