new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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