Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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