so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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