you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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