positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
