Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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