I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
