I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
