i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
