It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
this will be a night to untag.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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