alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
