my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Floor bacon is actually really good
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
