The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
