so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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