Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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