I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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