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we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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