come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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