I faked an abortion last night.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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