So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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