My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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