I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We have started to decorate penises.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
