the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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