im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
There's always time for handjobs
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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