So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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