The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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