Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
