I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
