Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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