Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
