two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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