u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
