Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
