The maid of honor just puked.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
