woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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