Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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