Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
