I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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