I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
