P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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