no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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