They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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