I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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