Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
