walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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