Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
