I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
