She is in my trunk
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
