At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
