Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
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