The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
