She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize