either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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